ACs and farts

Yes you read it right. I am talking about both ACs and farts and that too at the same time. Why? Well, with India prospering over the years and global warming and things to that effect, ACs are being put almost every damn where. And well, Indian lifestyle is strictly not conducive to the AC environment at all. Have you seen the food we Indians eat? There is at least one item that is either deep fried or flatulent. Don’t believe me? Okay, let’s start from the extreme north. Kashmir - staple food – rice, property – gassy, same goes for all of South India, North East and East. What’s left, West – think Rajasthan, Gujarat et al – most of the food there is deep fried and has loads of ghee et al. The best bet could probably be Maharashtra but think of ussal, vada pav etc and you know what I’m talking about.

Now that we have established that our eating habits are not necessarily the most helpful to the alimentary canal, answer me this. What happens when you eat? Well, gas. And what do you do when someone has really farted stale onion and garlic? The first instinct would be to close your nose. What do you do when it is still too strong? Well, you open all windows. What happens in an AC? You die.

And that my dear friends, is why ACs are not the best thing in India. We are way too many people and there is way too little space for any of those wonderful smells to go out. So we either reduce the population (ha ha) or make some arrangement through which we can open the windows time and again. 

The Stalker

Over the years, I’ve witnessed various kinds of stalkers starting from school to college to work. This post is dedicated to all of them, rather to the kind that I have come across so far, yeah, yeah, I know what you’re thinking…what the hell is wrong with me to have enough stalkers to be able to actually write an article on them, well, let me tell you, its no biggie. On an average, every girl comes across at least three stalkers (a statistical average estimated by some random research someplace –btw, did you know that 90% of statistics are made up on the spot? :D ) and well, this post just might help another poor soul figure out what’s going on.

The Crazy Stalker – Well it may sound ironic but not all stalkers are crazy. True Story. Anyway, we’ll move on to the sane ones in a while, right now, the crazy. This is an anti-social element. You would never ever see him socializing with anyone ever. He will be the lone ranger. The K-k-k Kiran kinds (remember Darr?) Mostly, you wouldn’t even know such a person exists until you find him staring down at you once in a while which of course you would make nothing of. But with time, it would get worse. There’s this creepy feeling that there are somebody’s eyes following you, all the time! A weird queasy feeling will come over you and whenever you’ll turn to figure out why its happening you will see that same person looking at you with the same stony glare, not budging, not moving, not even breathing! And you think to yourself that this cant be right, until one fine day you get a call. And you have no idea who this is coz the person doesn’t own up. It starts with blank calls which are increase in frequency to upto 40 calls a day, slowly modifying to one-liners in which the crazy guy starts saying creepy things in this scary, husky Indiana Jones voice. By this time the best thing to do would be to stop answering the phone altogether, except, the person would now start targetting your friends, especially guys. They would be threatened to stay away from you and if this command is not followed, they would have to suffer dire consequences. I know I almost lost two friends due to this weird guy until we figured out who he was.

What to do when you have a crazy stalker – Never ever go out alone, this person can be dangerous. Do NOT answer calls from unknown numbers. Most of these people bank on the attention they get, if they don’t get any, they stop bothering you. Remember, even if you try to scold them, it will edge them on.

The Silent Stalker – This is a comparatively better category that the crazy. To start with, this guy would almost never ever come out in the open. He might have a shrine in your name in the deepest dungeon of his house, but he will never bother you. He will just be on the lookout for you at all times and you will see him almost every place you go to with amazing precision. So much so you just might notice him and say ‘hi’ once in a while and tell him how it is weird that you people see each other almost everywhere. This would actually scare the guy to his death and he would then vanish for a couple of days waiting for you to forget about him, seething in agony because he is really miserable all the while. In due course of time he will get back to his original schedule and well, you know better than to talk to him anymore. As and when the duration of your course gets over, he will vanish from your sight, probably stalk you a little bit on FB until he finds his new ‘love interest’.

What to do when you have a silent stalker – Nothing, he will vanish with time.

The Intellectual Stalker – This is actually a very interesting kind and well, you should actually feel honored to have such a stalker. Unlike the silent guy, this guy will never show himself to you, ever. In fact, sometimes, it would make you wonder if this really is a person or just a figment of your imagination. This guy likes being mysterious. But, he also wants to be noticed. He will somehow procure your number and text you messages which are really intellectual. Things about platonic love, things about completing each other, things about there is no real world, there is no such thing as desires, you get the idea right? He will often quote famous philosophers and you just might need a dictionary to decipher meaning of what he’s written, but when you figure it out you just might fall in love with the person. If you do, do it at your own peril. You have to understand that if he isn’t coming out in the open, it has to be for a reason. This person is actually too good to be true.

What to do when you have an intellectual stalker – Not too sure here. I did not reply to any of the messages he sent since I was already in a relationship with a real person but to this day I keep wondering what would have happened if I did.

The Confused Stalker – This is by far the most interesting stalker you can have. Its like being the focus of someone’s attention minus the craziness (almost). This person is an acquaintance who one day decided that today onwards I like this girl (hence the name). He starts like a silent stalker, trying to get the most of (seeing) you until all of a sudden he would make up his mind that he wants you to notice him too. Then he would start making it obvious that he is around you because he really finds you interesting. But when you do start noticing him making this effort, he will start to act nonchalant, as if you had it all in your head. Then suddenly he will shower you with compliments but then when you meet him the next time, he will act completely aloof and give you the cold shoulder, as if he doesn’t even know you. He will always try to be in your vicinity but will never talk to you, then there would be times when he will be really interested in talking to you. He has this weird love-hate thing going on in his head where he does and does not want to be with you all at the same time.

What to do when you have a confused stalker – You are basically a part of his plan of, well, I don’t know, staring at you or something and you are not supposed to ruin it by getting involved. Enjoy the attention while it lasts or just ignore the whole thing completely, this guy is harmless.